Initial Rage with Diagnosis of POF

I'm feeling rage and desperation and guilt and everything else!

I won't lie, after my diagnosis of POF,  I spent several dark days in the great abyss of my psyche. I blamed myself for frolicking around the world carelessly enjoying my life. My profession affords me the opportunity to travel, so I did. And without guilt at the time. I enjoyed my free-spirited life overseas for over a decade. Many of my colleagues were popping out babies by the dozen while abroad, I just never did.

And so, I placed blame on myself for thinking that I was invincible--society falsely reports to us that women are having healthy babies in their late 30's--what a bunch of bullshit. Now, I know that only outliers bear children past 35 w/o technological intervention such as IVF. FOOLISH I am! So, I beat up myself for a good month and rightfully so.


After I got tired of blaming myself, I turned my rage toward my boyfriend. My relationship--ha-ha, I painfully snicker to myself. I cringe at the amount of resentment I feel, that mustn't be too healthy! Of course, I take full responsibility for not ending it sooner--it is fruitless. It is one of those relationships which remains stagnant after a few years but both parties are somewhat satisfied, but never so dissatisfied that one breaks the bond which has miraculously strengthen throughout the duration of many, many years. There is no evident abuse and life is comfortable.

Afterall on the surface, our Facebook posts reveal that we are living the dream--our exhilerating life is one to be envied by our American friends at home. Don't forget we are traveling to exotic locations all over the world--scuba diving in Malaysia, Vietnam, and Hawaii, etc. And so, who can complain about that? Still, I blame him because several years ago I begged for us to have children, I was only 33-ish. He easoned that the timing was not right. Looking back, this was an excuse which I would hear for many years. I feel so stupid.

And so, after several days of feeling sorry for myself, I realized that I could not blame him but only myself--if I wanted to have babies, why didn't I just leave or better yet have them? Maybe at 33, I still had the goods, just maybe, my ovaries were not yet 'exhausted' as my fertility doctor gently put it at our last meeting. And so, I delved into a deep depression for a month or two. Blaming me and only me for being foolish.

Not really sure where my current struggle lies. 
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/


I mopped about all day, getting through my professional obligations and would come home, crawl into bed and google 'POF" until my eyes shut from exasperation. I adopted this routine for sometime--sadly enough, I became submissive and allowed such depression to govern my spirit.
It became my reality. My go to read became the following site:
 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure/389963-post-your-high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure-success-story-here.html
Not a light reading at 1am; the intimate stories posted are heart-breaking. Despite the pain and aggrivation of reading about other women's realities, the site did prove to be informative. With time,  I realized that I am not the only one suffering from POF! I am not alone.

However, I felt extreme rage at times with the decisions I have made and at other times I pitied myself for being victimized--I assume that most people who suffer from a diagnosis experience such turbulant emotions. To this day, I cannot come to terms that I will never have my own kids. I guess healing will take time.

And yes, I wonder if I should seek professional help/counseling. Maybe this blog will help me internalize and deal and slowly accept my diagnosis. Maybe not.

The internet can be a useful tool for researching about Premature Ovarian Failure. I have perused some helpful sites:
http://www.theafa.org/blog/coping-with-premature-ovarian-failure/