Attempt #3 FAILED

I am not sugar coating it, but sticking to the harsh reality of my failure--
I miscarried at 3:30 am this morning.
I need not detail the physically agony of the cramping which foreshadowed the horrific loss.
It is emotionally draining after three attempts, this is the most painful.

I feel absolute rage!
I am not a victim.
I simply feel rage, I could tear some shit up had I the energy to do so.

I almost believed it too. Tomorrow would have marked 10 weeks.

I hope others do not have to experience such cruel realities of nature.

Attempt #3

I went in for my third attempt--an IVF because it was a fresh donor egg opposed to a frozen egg, on July 17th! 

I tried to remain distantly optimistic after the first two losses. Emotionally it has become overwhelming. I can't believe that I have persevered emotionally. Physically, my body is shot to shit because of the fluctuation in hormones--don't forget that when we are getting ready for a transfer--FET or IVF, building the lining is key. The way we do this is by shooting me up with Estradiol and Progesterone. The shots start a daily a few weeks prior and continue until 10 weeks in to pregnancy. I have never made it that far, so I wouldn't know.

Anyhow, my emotions are rampant and unbearable--I do not know what to do with myself on most days. I feel extreme highs and even more drastic lows. I cry all of the time. I was watching Finding Nemo and was balling--it the resolution. I was surfing through an episode of Hoarders and lost it. Dangerous times in my household. The lovar has been as support as he can be, but he stays quiet most of the time. Poor guy!

And so, I pray that these two embryos will grow into my babies. 

God, I have dreamed about it for so long now that it doesn't even seem possible.

Attempt #2 Failed

I am outraged! 
I am simply pissed, so pissed off--my pregnancy test was negative!
FET #2 failed!

Losing hope and becoming more enraged with my infertility!

Attempt #2

#1 failed.
#2 is scheduled for today at 2:00; cautiously enthusiastic and hopeful.

Attempt #1 Failed

-->

The phone rings. I am still in deep REM fluctuating between reality and fantasy—the phone continues to ring. Finally when I do cross the barrier and recognize what is happening, it is too late—I have missed the phone call and the ping signals a voice message. SHIT. I come to and realize that the doctor has called and I missed it.

I have been waiting for the doctor to contact me for the past week. Shit, shit, and one more time… SHIT. It is a Sunday. I return the call, but there is no one in the office, I call the answer service and leave a message. It is not until 3 that he returns the call.

Here’s the simplified rundown:

---We paid $37,000 for the Shared Risk Program, which guarantees us 1 healthy baby over six attempts. We are 2:1 in the fresh donor egg cycle or 1:1 in frozen egg cycle.

---After months of cataloguing through over 100 women, I selected a frozen egg donor, which cost an additional $1,250. There were 7 eggs in the lot, 4 survived the dethawing. 3 of the 4 blossomed into healthy embryos. So, I asked 2 embryos to be implanted.

---An FET was schedule for January 10^th, 2012. Two embryos were implanted. Initially, my pregnancy test was positive and I was filled with false hope of my perfect family. It failed.

I was pissed! And I was devastated!

---Four months later, I got a date for the second IVF attempt, May 1^st, 2012.

---I called and asked the doctor is I could select another donor to cycle with so that we could put in 2 embryos to increase our chances. I cannot go through this shit again and fail. Feeling more and more desperate not only due to the financial burden but also desperation to have a normal family with children.