Attempt #3

I went in for my third attempt--an IVF because it was a fresh donor egg opposed to a frozen egg, on July 17th! 

I tried to remain distantly optimistic after the first two losses. Emotionally it has become overwhelming. I can't believe that I have persevered emotionally. Physically, my body is shot to shit because of the fluctuation in hormones--don't forget that when we are getting ready for a transfer--FET or IVF, building the lining is key. The way we do this is by shooting me up with Estradiol and Progesterone. The shots start a daily a few weeks prior and continue until 10 weeks in to pregnancy. I have never made it that far, so I wouldn't know.

Anyhow, my emotions are rampant and unbearable--I do not know what to do with myself on most days. I feel extreme highs and even more drastic lows. I cry all of the time. I was watching Finding Nemo and was balling--it the resolution. I was surfing through an episode of Hoarders and lost it. Dangerous times in my household. The lovar has been as support as he can be, but he stays quiet most of the time. Poor guy!

And so, I pray that these two embryos will grow into my babies. 

God, I have dreamed about it for so long now that it doesn't even seem possible.

Attempt #2 Failed

I am outraged! 
I am simply pissed, so pissed off--my pregnancy test was negative!
FET #2 failed!

Losing hope and becoming more enraged with my infertility!

Attempt #2

#1 failed.
#2 is scheduled for today at 2:00; cautiously enthusiastic and hopeful.

Attempt #1 Failed

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The phone rings. I am still in deep REM fluctuating between reality and fantasy—the phone continues to ring. Finally when I do cross the barrier and recognize what is happening, it is too late—I have missed the phone call and the ping signals a voice message. SHIT. I come to and realize that the doctor has called and I missed it.

I have been waiting for the doctor to contact me for the past week. Shit, shit, and one more time… SHIT. It is a Sunday. I return the call, but there is no one in the office, I call the answer service and leave a message. It is not until 3 that he returns the call.

Here’s the simplified rundown:

---We paid $37,000 for the Shared Risk Program, which guarantees us 1 healthy baby over six attempts. We are 2:1 in the fresh donor egg cycle or 1:1 in frozen egg cycle.

---After months of cataloguing through over 100 women, I selected a frozen egg donor, which cost an additional $1,250. There were 7 eggs in the lot, 4 survived the dethawing. 3 of the 4 blossomed into healthy embryos. So, I asked 2 embryos to be implanted.

---An FET was schedule for January 10^th, 2012. Two embryos were implanted. Initially, my pregnancy test was positive and I was filled with false hope of my perfect family. It failed.

I was pissed! And I was devastated!

---Four months later, I got a date for the second IVF attempt, May 1^st, 2012.

---I called and asked the doctor is I could select another donor to cycle with so that we could put in 2 embryos to increase our chances. I cannot go through this shit again and fail. Feeling more and more desperate not only due to the financial burden but also desperation to have a normal family with children.

Initial Rage with Diagnosis of POF

I'm feeling rage and desperation and guilt and everything else!

I won't lie, after my diagnosis of POF,  I spent several dark days in the great abyss of my psyche. I blamed myself for frolicking around the world carelessly enjoying my life. My profession affords me the opportunity to travel, so I did. And without guilt at the time. I enjoyed my free-spirited life overseas for over a decade. Many of my colleagues were popping out babies by the dozen while abroad, I just never did.

And so, I placed blame on myself for thinking that I was invincible--society falsely reports to us that women are having healthy babies in their late 30's--what a bunch of bullshit. Now, I know that only outliers bear children past 35 w/o technological intervention such as IVF. FOOLISH I am! So, I beat up myself for a good month and rightfully so.


After I got tired of blaming myself, I turned my rage toward my boyfriend. My relationship--ha-ha, I painfully snicker to myself. I cringe at the amount of resentment I feel, that mustn't be too healthy! Of course, I take full responsibility for not ending it sooner--it is fruitless. It is one of those relationships which remains stagnant after a few years but both parties are somewhat satisfied, but never so dissatisfied that one breaks the bond which has miraculously strengthen throughout the duration of many, many years. There is no evident abuse and life is comfortable.

Afterall on the surface, our Facebook posts reveal that we are living the dream--our exhilerating life is one to be envied by our American friends at home. Don't forget we are traveling to exotic locations all over the world--scuba diving in Malaysia, Vietnam, and Hawaii, etc. And so, who can complain about that? Still, I blame him because several years ago I begged for us to have children, I was only 33-ish. He easoned that the timing was not right. Looking back, this was an excuse which I would hear for many years. I feel so stupid.

And so, after several days of feeling sorry for myself, I realized that I could not blame him but only myself--if I wanted to have babies, why didn't I just leave or better yet have them? Maybe at 33, I still had the goods, just maybe, my ovaries were not yet 'exhausted' as my fertility doctor gently put it at our last meeting. And so, I delved into a deep depression for a month or two. Blaming me and only me for being foolish.

Not really sure where my current struggle lies. 
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/


I mopped about all day, getting through my professional obligations and would come home, crawl into bed and google 'POF" until my eyes shut from exasperation. I adopted this routine for sometime--sadly enough, I became submissive and allowed such depression to govern my spirit.
It became my reality. My go to read became the following site:
 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure/389963-post-your-high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure-success-story-here.html
Not a light reading at 1am; the intimate stories posted are heart-breaking. Despite the pain and aggrivation of reading about other women's realities, the site did prove to be informative. With time,  I realized that I am not the only one suffering from POF! I am not alone.

However, I felt extreme rage at times with the decisions I have made and at other times I pitied myself for being victimized--I assume that most people who suffer from a diagnosis experience such turbulant emotions. To this day, I cannot come to terms that I will never have my own kids. I guess healing will take time.

And yes, I wonder if I should seek professional help/counseling. Maybe this blog will help me internalize and deal and slowly accept my diagnosis. Maybe not.

The internet can be a useful tool for researching about Premature Ovarian Failure. I have perused some helpful sites:
http://www.theafa.org/blog/coping-with-premature-ovarian-failure/